Steven Wright Quotes and its meanings

How young can you die of old age?

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.