I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'...

How young can you die of old age?

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Why do people talk of the horrors of old age? It's great. I feel like a fine old car with the parts gradually wearing out, but I'm not complaining,... Those who find growing old terrible are people who haven't done what they wanted with their lives.

I remember at the age of five travelling on a trolley car with my mother past a group of women on a picket line at a textile plant, seeing them being viciously beaten by security people. So that kind of thing stayed with me.

I really think we should pass a law in every state, I don't care whether it takes the independence away from an old person or not. You shouldn't be driving a car if you're over the age of 80. Maybe even less than that.

Mass transportation is doomed to failure in North America because a person's car is the only place where he can be alone and think.

I think when the full horror of being fifty hits you, you should stay home and have a good cry.

Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little, repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but content themselves with a mediocrity of success.

Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.

Bring a wife home to your house when you are of the right age, not far short of 30 years, nor much above this is the right time for marriage.